Christ's disappearance from scripture...

You may notice a great schism between posting dates. Eighteen years of our Lord's life are missing from scripture. It is my philosophy that much of those eighteen years was spent trying to decipher God's plan for him (or as Thomas Merton would have said, finding the "true him"). Similarly, I needed to retreat from this site for a bit to descern a bit on my own. Now I have reached a turning point. I am looking forward to postulancy as soon as it can come. I feel like God is telling me that I've spent my time at the door, and now it's time to walk through. Conveniently I must say that I am very happy with a future as a monk. I'd like to share my criteria for being accepting of this wonderful vocation:

1) I desire it. This is important. The abbot told me about a year ago that he's had men come to him saying they wish to become monks because they feel that's what God wants, but they think it is a horrible lifestyle. I, on the other hand, embrase the lifestyle with open arms.

2) I feel more myself. Again, I'm going to use the phrase "true self." When I am within the monastery walls, I feel closer to the me that God created. I am not trying to show the world a face of my design while I am there.

3) I can't imagine another vocation being for me. Let's start with single life. Many of the people I know who have taken a single vocation do so in order to allow themselves to do work that involves travel or a great focus on service. I'm not much of a traveler, so the vow of stability works just fine for me. Service is important, but I can't imagine myself focusing more on that than contemplation. I think way too much, so contemplation will be a key part of my life. I could be married, but when I watch my mother at mass, it is not the same without her husband, and when she was single, I saw in her a search for one person to share mass with. This is not at all my focus. Again, my focus is very much on the divinity present, and the people around me are supporting cast. Additionally, I don't really find the desire to be married. That really leaves two vocations, monastic and diocesan priesthood. I could do either, but priesthood gets ruled out because although there is desire, it does not leave ample time for contemplation, nor do I feel it is condusive to my unraveling the "true me." Some people are built to be many faced for many tasks. I like a minimum number of faces.

I ask for any prayers as I pray to God that my time might be revealed to me.

Ora et Labora

As my previous post mentions, I was recently on retreat at St. Anselm's Abbey in Manchester, NH. It was a great experience for me. A number of my questions were answered about monochism and myself. So many times I sat among men who are, some of them, very distinguished. Men who may be considered experts in their fields. And yet not one of them claimed that they were capable of doing anything without some type of assistance, be it divine or human (with the exception of perhaps one, but he is the exception on so many levels).

My Decision

As I spend time on retreat, I am noticing that my thoughts about my own sin, short-comings and on rare occasion, talens that have called me to pursue the possibility of monastic life, and other things, are beginning to become far more personal. I wish to keep them between myself and I. For that reason, I have given this journal a new start. I may publish wandering thoughts now and again.